Dog Eat Dog
by Taye
Summary: This story is a parody-WAIT!! DON'T YOU LOOK AWAY FROM THIS SUMMARY!! This is actually a *good* parody, involving all the men of Rurouni Kenshin and a certain t.v. show called...you guessed it! Dog Eat Dog. Now, if you could do me a favor: R&R!
1. Boring Stats of Character that were hard...

Dog Eat Dog By Taye  
  
Disclaimer: I do not have anything to do with Rurouni Kenshin, or Dog Eat Dog. I just like to write fanfics! =^.^=  
  
The Contestants: Male Cast Members from Rurouni Kenshin  
  
  
  
Kenshin Himura  
  
  
  
Cute Nickname: Battousai, Baka Deshi  
  
Age: 28  
  
Hair: Red  
  
Eyes: Violet  
  
Occupation: Ex-assassin for the Reformation Army. Is now currently unemployed. (bum)  
  
Status: Meh. It depends on which part of the season you are watching. (SPOILER..but you would have figured that one out anyway ^ ^)  
  
Personality: Sweet, an all around nice guy. Very protective of his friends and family; also those who are weak.  
  
Likes: Tofu, housecleaning, and Kaoru Kamiya.  
  
Dislikes: Corrupted men, and drunks who throw things at him.  
  
Special Characteristics: Cross-scar on left cheek.  
  
  
  
Sanosuke Sagara  
  
Cute Nickname: Rooster Head  
  
Age: 19  
  
Hair: Brown  
  
Eyes: Brown  
  
Occupation: Ruffian-for-hire at first, later joins Kenshin  
  
Status: Single  
  
Personality: Laid back, free-loader. Likes to punish anyone who challenges him, and strongly backs Kenshin.  
  
Likes: Fish bones, gambling, food  
  
Dislikes: Working, Saitoh  
  
Special Characteristics: Wears lots of bandages for no apparent reason.  
  
  
  
  
  
Aoshi Shinomori  
  
Cute Nickname: AOSHI-SAMA!!  
  
Age: 18  
  
Hair: Black  
  
Eyes: Green  
  
Occupation: Swordsman, leader of the ninja group Oniwa Banshu.  
  
Status: Single  
  
Personality: Cold, emotionless. Aoshi is very loyal, and is sometimes led astray to the path of the hitokiri.  
  
Likes: Tea, Quiet time  
  
Dislikes: Loud, annoying people (except for Misao of course =^.^=); losing  
  
Special Characteristics: Carries around double-swords.  
  
  
  
  
  
Hiko Seijuurou  
  
  
  
Cute Nickname: .(^ ^;;;)  
  
Age: 43  
  
Hair: Black  
  
Eyes: Greenish (according to my poster *beam*)  
  
Occupation: Hiten Mitsrugiryu master, Kenshin's sensai  
  
Status: Single, and loving it  
  
Personality: Confident and detached. Loves to pick on Kenshin (his pupil). Drinks a lot, and swoons ladies.  
  
Likes: Sake, chewing out his baka deshi or playing tricks on him  
  
Dislikes: Having to repeat things twice (especially to Kenshin)  
  
Special Characteristics: BADASS  
  
  
  
  
  
Saitoh Hajime  
  
Cute Nickname: Wolf (not really cute, but what the hell)  
  
Age: 33  
  
Hair: Black  
  
Eyes: Golden  
  
Occupation: Police Officer, ex-captain of the Shinsengumi  
  
Status: Married (kinda feel sorry for Tokio)  
  
Personality: Confident, cool, sarcastic. Saitoh is a swordsman who's always in control during a fight, and he doesn't hesitate to kill his opponent (unlike Kenshin). Very crafty.  
  
Likes: Fighting, Smoking, reminding everyone that he is better than they are, poking fun at Sano  
  
Dislikes: Sano  
  
Special Characteristics: .  
  
  
  
  
  
Sojiro Seta  
  
Cute Nickname: none  
  
Age: 23 (though he looks younger)  
  
Hair: Brown  
  
Eyes: Whatever the anime people portray them as (I've seen blue, and brown people! Blue and brown!)  
  
Occupation: Drifter. Sojiro searches for the ultimate truth after he finished working for Shishio.  
  
Status: Single (though in every fanfic he is either in love with Misao, or an Original Female Character)  
  
Personality: During his destroying days, Sojiro was an emotionless, polite bad guy. But after being defeated by Kenshin, he's all smiles (not that he wasn't before..-.-;;;).  
  
Likes: Shishio. The saying 'The strong will survive, the weak shall perish' (or) 'Oh, so you've finally figured it out'.  
  
Dislikes: Anyone related to him  
  
Special Characteristics: He smiles way too much. 


	2. The First Challenge has arrived...

First Challenge  
  
Brook: Hello, I'm Brook, and I'm here to laugh at your jokes, and make you hate me. Welcome to- DOG EAT DOG!  
  
Audience: (mixture of yea's and boo's)  
  
Brook: Today's contestants are: Kenshin Himura, Sanosuke Sagara, Aoshi Shinomori, Hiko Seijuuro, Saitoh Hajime, and Sohjiro. Thanks to their wives/girlfriends who put them up to this, WE NOW HAVE A SHOW!!  
  
Audience: Yay!  
  
Brook: Okay, how about if we have everyone tell us a little about yourself. Kenshin?  
  
Kenshin: Uh. *smiles nervously* My name is Kenshin.  
  
Hiko: Hurry it up, baka.  
  
Kenshin: *glares at Hiko* That's about..it..  
  
Brook: Oh..kay.. Sojiro?  
  
Sojiro: *smiles* My name is Sojiro, and I'm really really fast. Wanna see?  
  
*Sojiro ties his shoes for a good two minutes, before sprinting around the whole studio; leaving his footprints all over the place, even along the wall*  
  
Brook: *sweatdrops* ..janitor's going to have a fit.  
  
Sano: My turn! My name is Sanosuke; I like rice cakes, and women! *eyes Brook* You're mighty fine.  
  
Brook: *laughs nervously* Touch me, and I'll kick your ass. Okay, next? *asks sweetly*  
  
Aoshi: *glare* We'll keep this on a need to know basis.  
  
Brook: Is..that all? *sweatdrop*  
  
Aoshi: Yes. *glare*  
  
Everyone: *Sweatdrop*  
  
Hiko: My name's Hiko, I make pottery and drink. *deadpan*  
  
Sano: You forgot to mention: teaching Kenshin! *grin*  
  
Kenshin: *glowers at Sano* Way to ruin everything Sano, now they -know-.  
  
Hiko: *glares dangerously* What? Don't think I'm a good enough teacher, baka deshi?  
  
Kenshin: Yes. *glares daggers at Hiko and Sano* (if looks could kill)  
  
Brook: A-hem! Saitoh?  
  
Saitoh: What?  
  
Brook: Your turn.  
  
Saitoh: For what? *lights a cigarette*  
  
Brook: I'm going to have to ask you to put that out.  
  
Saitoh: *takes long drag* Too bad.  
  
Brook: Then I'll have to call security.  
  
Saitoh: I'm shaking. *flicks cigarette ash onto floor* On cue, the security guards arrive, and are promptly beat up.  
  
Brook: *looks nervous* Okay then.. let me explain the rules of this game. I will present you six with a challenge. You must vote on who you think will fail at this challenge. The person with the most votes must do the challenge, if they fail- they must go to the DogHouse; if they succeed they will choose someone else to go in their place. Are you ready?  
  
Group:.  
  
Brook: Okay, then! *sweatdrop* The first challenge is: *curtain rolls up* (there's a long, thin, steel pole, over a pit full of water and sharks) You must cross over the pit on that pole *points*, and you must do it in under 2 min. Oh, did I mention that you have to cross on a pair of stilts? This would be a challenge that calls for coordination and balance-  
  
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!  
  
Brook: *mutter* Well that was fast.. Okay, we'll start with Saitoh. you voted for Kenshin. Next, Hiko. Kenshin. Aoshi.Kenshin.Sano.Kenshin.Sojiro.Kenshin. Kenshin.Kenshin?!!  
  
Kenshin: I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  
  
Hiko: Haha! I knew you were stupid!!  
  
Kenshin: *eyes turn yellow* Can I change my vote?!  
  
Brook: Uh.. it wouldn't really matter. 5 to 1.  
  
DING! *Kenshin's vote changes from himself to 'Stupid, Old, Man'  
  
Brook: *laughs nervously* O-okay.. Kenshin, come down here please. *Kenshin stands next to her, and is about as tall as her armpit* Alright, now I've already explained the challenge. Do you want me to repeat myself?  
  
Kenshin: No, I'm okay. *pulls away from Brook*  
  
Brook: We'll be right back. *looks into camera and smiles*  
  
Cameraman: And we're out!  
  
Audience: Yeaaa!  
  
Sano: *yells* Hey, Brook! Can I come down there too?? Heh heh.  
  
Brook: *rolls eyes* This show is so going to hurt the ratings.  
  
Sano: *yells* Com' on baby! It'll be worth your while!  
  
Cameraman: We're on in 10..9.  
  
Brook: We're on already?! W-what?!  
  
Cameraman: *shrugs* We're losing our sponsors.. this show is actually a desperate attempt to get Rurouni Kenshin fans to watch.. 2.1  
  
Brook: *wipes off look of disbelief and smiles serenely into the camera* We're back.  
  
Sano: *yells* What's your sign Brook??  
  
Brook: *smile becomes forced* This way.. *motions jerkily to where Kenshin is standing, all suited up* Are you ready, Himura-san?  
  
Kenshin: Ready as I'll ever be. *gulps* *looks into camera seriously* Kaoru, I love you.  
  
Hiko: Fool. He'll never be able to achieve the $25,000 if he does not have the will to live. (sound familiar guys?)  
  
Brook: Alright, when I say go, the NetZero/Circuit City/Best Buy/Bill Gates clock will start. Ready..go!  
  
*Kenshin toddles across beam, arms wind-milling wildly. One stilt breaks off, and is eaten by sharks. Losing his balance, Kenshin falls, but lands on the beam. Unfortunately, he lands with a leg on either side of the pole, leaving him in a none-too-comfortable position. He screams some profanities, but manages to scoot himself to the other side under the time limit*  
  
Audience: Yay! He hurt himself!  
  
Brook: Wow! I didn't know anyone could do that? Are *you* alright?  
  
Kenshin: *doesn't really understand her subtle hint* Yes, yes, I'm fine.  
  
Hiko: You better check on him, I think he just damaged his brain!  
  
Brook: Oh, you poor dear. *moves towards him*  
  
Kenshin: *laughs nervously* No, I'm okay, really.  
  
Brook: Alright then! You know the rules. Since you've won, you now have the power to choose who will take your place in. *camera zooms in* the DOG HOUSE.  
  
Kenshin: *looks around at contestants, his eyes narrowing as they skim over Hiko*  
  
Hiko: Don't even think about it, baka! If you do, I swear that I'll come over to the dojo everyday.  
  
Kenshin: *starts sweating and gasping for breath*  
  
Brook: Sir, you're not allowed to threaten any other contestants.  
  
Kenshin: I-I've decided. I'll pick.......*drumroll*  
  
Audience: *leans forward*  
  
Kenshin:....*pause*.....  
  
Brook: *leans in*  
  
Kenshin.........*dramatic pause*..  
  
TV viewers: *lean towards televisions*  
  
Kenshin:..myself.. *beams*  
  
Everyone: *sweatdrops*  
  
Hiko: *nods* Stupid, I told you. (states matter-of-factly)  
  
Brook: T-that's .uh..different.okay.then. go to the Dog House. Uh.. *looks at camera* Is it time for a commercial break yet? Oh. one more minute? Uh. okay..  
  
Cameraman: *whisper* psst.. you forgot to ask the contestants 'why' they voted for Kenshin..  
  
Brook: Right. *turns to contestants* So, why did you choose Kenshin, Saitoh?  
  
Saitoh: Because he is weaker than I am.  
  
Brook: Okaaay. Sojiro, why did you pick Kenshin?  
  
Sojiro: The strong shall survive.. the weak shall perish..  
  
Brook: This is probably one of the only times you can say that, and it has meaning. Hiko? Why did you vote for Kenshin?  
  
Hiko: Do you have to ask? *deadpan*  
  
Sano: I voted for him, because I think that you're hot!  
  
Brook: What?! That doesn't even make sense.  
  
Saitoh: In case you haven't noticed, Sano isn't exactly what we would call 'brilliant'. He'd be more of the type classified 'as smart as broccoli'.  
  
Sano: I resent that!  
  
Brook: MOV-ing. On. Aoshi? I haven't heard more than a sentence out of you. Why did you choose Himura-san?  
  
Aoshi: *glare* .  
  
Brook: *looks nervously at Aoshi*  
  
Aoshi: .  
  
Cameraman: And we're out!  
  
Brook: *turns and runs towards exit* If anyone wants me, I'll be curled up in a ball, in the bathroom.sobbing.  
  
Sano: If anyone wants me, I'll be next to her!  
  
Everyone: *sweatdrop*  
  
  
  
A/N: Hee hee! This is so much fun! I hope I get some reviews, otherwise I'll have to go curl up in the bathroom. So read and review guys!  
  
Note: If you've never seen the show, Dog Eat Dog, I suggest you do. It's not half-bad. 


End file.
